helobious

Illin'

2008-01-24T23:10:00.000-05:00

In case anyone was curious, here's what's going on in my own personal biosphere:

Day 1: Cough, sore throat, intermittent fever, body aches, lack of appetite, unable to get off the couch. Suffering made a hundred times worse by having to take the redeye from CA to NY. Husband requires crowbar to pry you off the couch. Upon check-in, you look so pathetic and pale, the nice lady seats you in Row 1. You repay her by vomiting 45 minutes into the flight and applaud her foresight for near-the-bathroom seating. Oddly, this makes you feel better. Sorry, JetBlue #88!

Day 2: Cold settles firmly in lungs. Heavy cough, shortness of breath, more fevers. Wishes for death and/or unconsciousness by mallet to head increase. Sound like a 80 year-old chain smoker, feel just about as healthy. Sleep fitfully, have dreams of being chased by a cheese danish. Shivering, wish you could somehow drag your bed into the shower, which is running at 11 and the only place you can get warm.

Day 3, part 1: A reprieve! The sore throat and fever is gone, and the elephant has climbed off your chestal region. General exhaustion and a bit of congestion, but well enough to do some laundry, change out of jammies and into lounge pants. Consider this a major victory and celebrate by eating toast. Get crumbs in bed, which you realize, that, with the exception of the shower, toast and laundry, you haven't really left in 36 hours. Oddly, this doesn't bother you.

Day 3, part 2: Realize you've become a walking science project when, while watching Martha Stewart, you can see your organs begin run via antigravity and the mucus in your lungs is marching it's way to your sinuses. Prayer does nothing and you run through a box of Kleenex in 20 minutes. Denial begins, and a Mucinex-Tylenol Sinus-Halls-Robitussin cocktail sounds like a really good plan of attack.

Day 3/4, part 4am: It wasn't. Now, in addition to trying to breath through a wet sponge, you're high on cold meds and can't sleep. When you do manage to nod off, all your dreams are narrated by Zach Braff.

Day 4: Require an assist in getting your head off the pillow. Everything from the neck up is swimming in mucus. Realize it's all lies and that Puffs Ultra Plus Soft Kitten Fur is made of Brillo pads. On the upside, your sore throat is gone, but it's been replaced with a runny nose worse than any 6 year old and congestion so bad, your teeth hurt. Also, your nose has completely rubbed off and has been replaced with a Mr. Potatohead nose, which also runs. Call Dr. Cupcake and plead with her to come over and do that thing she once told you about that sounded so painful, you'd have to prefer her back over your head in her truck instead Offer money, firstborn.

Day 5: Mouth still throbby from stuffiness. Rapidly running out of common symptoms and Scrubs reruns, wonder what comes next. Place bets on itchy rash, MRSA, internet virus, and/or chicken pox.

Snowy Sunday

2007-12-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

It's snowing here in NJ. It snowed a bit just before Thanksgiving, but it was light, almost like fluffy rain. Plus, it shot up to 60 degrees the nexy day and was gone by noon. Now though, it's seriously cold out, so it might stick around awhile. Just in time for me to go back out west.

I've been productive lately. I started baking this weekend for Hannukah: chocolate mint Hershey Kiss cups and chocolate dipped sugar cut-out cookies. Today I'm going to tackle oatmeal raisin cookies (a Dad special request), and two kinds of shortbread: plain, rolled in blue sugar, and chocolate chip. I also made banana bread with pecans and chocolate chips, but that's unrelated (and very necessary, the bananas were five minutes from going mutant.) I'm going to box all the cookies up in chinese food boxes for everyone to take home on Sunday.

I also finally got my hair cut, after February's pre-move freak out, when I cut it way too short. I need to start packing to go back to CA and am just going UPS most of my stuff back out there. I finished my holiday shopping and wrapping weeks ago, so that's done. This year, everyone's getting Hannukah presents, since I won't be here for Christmas.

I also need to get a job. I hope the strike won't hurt too much, but I've faced the fact that if I don't get one almost immediately after getting off the plane, I'm going to have to try to work at Border's or something. I have zero retail experience, so I don't know how that's going to work. We'll see. All I know is, I need to work and I need it now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

How can you not love a tiny pony wearing sneakers and a pilgrim hat?

So...

2007-10-14T17:10:00.000-04:00

When we last left our hero...

1. I finished my first show in CA, and luckily (and unlikely to ever happen again), only had four weeks off until the next job. Which is in New York. Which is nowhere near my house, my car, my bills, or my husband. So that's a downer. On the other hand, the show is pretty awesome, AND I get to pretend I'm 16 again, while I crash with Mom and Dad for awhile.

2. On the upside, I've been spending a lot of time with Dr. Cupcake and dbg, which is a definite plus.

3. I haven't cut off any of my fingertips lately, or sprained or broken anything, but production starts tomorrow, so let the injury count begin.

4. Mom and Dad's aforementioned crib is in New Jersey, a mere 17 miles from The City That Never Sleeps, leading me to return to my roots on NJTransit, the bus, the train, the way to go! It's actually not terrible, taking about 45-60 minutes to get to and fro, a marked improvement over the CA commute, when the Jansport and I would roll in sometime between 9:30am and a week from Thursday.

5. On the other hand, I'm going to get to know the 6:03am train a whole lot better starting Monday, for a 7am call time. OMGzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

6. Peckle's wedding is two weeks from today. At first blush, my dress was big enough for me, Dr, Cupcake and dbg to have a party in. As of yesterday, it's smaller, but still big enough for a few trips to the Castle. I'll take it.

7. After weeks of "fall" weather, with 10000% humidity and 90 degree temps, it's finally, actually cold here. Since I'm flying solo in the tri-state, that means extra blankets, warm jammies and the windows? Wide open. What?

8. Commuting via public transportation means I've gone from driving a Jansport to carrying one. Last week, I was wearing my backpack, carrying a binder and a lunchbag, making me look like a really tall 9 year old.

9. I'm considering crossing over to the dark side and getting a Blackberry. Pray for me.

10. I just packed a wheelie suitcase full of nothing but food. Doesn't everyone?

Not willingly, anyway.

2007-08-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

While at the local Shell station this afternoon, I realized I was wearing one of my favorites:

I love a good site gag.

Don't touch my stuff.

2007-08-06T01:16:00.000-04:00

Our apartment was broken into only 10 days ago. A brick through a window, and both the glass and my small sense of home, however much I had, is shattered and gone, along with my laptop and a set of car keys (the latter, recovered in a bush, the former, sadly, has been most likely been sold for drugs.) Things, of course, can always be replaced, but it unfortunately coincided with the decision to leave one job in favor for another, which in turn, was delayed until September, forcing stress levels to max capacity. Taking a break seemed like the thing to do, so here I sit, footloose, fancifree, supposedly "on vacation" for the month. I spent a lovely week down the shore with my family and will spend the upcoming week in Baltimore with Peckle, but I feel loose and detached, like I shouldn't be here, shouldn't be anywhere but back in the 909, guarding my remaining stuff with a pea shooter.

The next few months will be spending bouncing back and forth between the coasts and maybe that's why. It pains me in a cliche, girly way to be so far from J for so long, and I wish it didn't have to be this way, but work is work, I guess. I can't tell if I feel so all over the place because of the upcoming months, or if this is some kind of Lifetime-y, victim-y, oh god why meeeee reaction to what happened. In all likelihood, it's probably a little from each side of the menu and would also explain why I've been carrying my purse everywhere with me, ala Sofia from The Golden Girls. Which in turn, could ALSO explain why I feel so weird about being away from my husband; perhaps I should keep him in my handbag as well.

The Reverse Meme

2007-07-14T20:02:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of sitcomgirl, wherein you tell me all about you:

1. Can you cook? Yep, and I have the scarred hands to prove it.

2. What was your dream growing up? I really, really wanted to learn how to fly. $36 bucks at the Shell station this morning to fill up the Packback says I still wish I could.

3. What talent do you wish you had? Nice handwriting. Years of email and Microsoft Office have rendering my writing to just a notch or two above 'completely awful.'

4. Favorite place? Anywhere my family is, usually around a big meal.

5. Favorite vegetable? Onions, tomatoes, red cabbage, broccoli, arugula, potatoes...I like most veggies, except asparagus and peppers.

6. What was the last book you read? The Tummy Trilogy by Calvin Trillin.

7. What zodiac sign are you? Capricorn.

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Pierced ears. No tattoos, but I have a scar on my right pinkie shaped like New Jersey. That counts, right?

9. Worst Habit? Worrying. I can obsess and make myself insane with anxiety like no other. No wonder I take the little purple pill. I also drive too fast but I consider that a well-honed skill, Officer.

10. Do we know each other outside of our blogs? 9 years now.

11. What is your favorite sport? Probably baseball, but only because J told me to say that.

12. Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude? Depends on what day and what time it is.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Discuss we were going to eat the second we got out.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you? I've been fortunate to haven't had any significant tragedies in my life so far. Getting laid off and being unemployed has been the worst thus far and it sucked pretty badly.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you. My pH levels are out of whack; eventually, I bleach most of my shirts and towels just by wearing and using them. I even managed to fade my white gold wedding ring back to yellow - it's only two years old.

16. Do you have any pets? No, we don't welcome anything with more than 2 legs in this house.

17. Do you know how to do the Macarena? I did go to prom after all...

18. What time is it where you are now? 5:30pm, PST

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary and weird.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I'd be as tall and thin in real life as I am inside my head.

21. Would you be my partner in crime or my conscience? A little from column A, a little from column B. I'd never let you hurt yourself or get in big bad trouble. I will, however, help you steal the cool silverware and nice hotel bathrobes.

22. What color eyes do you have? Blue.

23. Ever been arrested? Nope.

24. Bottle or draft? As long as it's vodka, it can come from a can for all I care. Mix it with grapefruit juice and call it a day.

25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it? Give Amex and the government their cut, and then go on vacation for awhile.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew? Nothing really, it hurts my jaw.

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at? My couch with a cocktail or 10. I'm just that cool.

28. Do you believe in ghosts? No.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Nap, go to the pool, hang out with friends.

30. Do you swear a lot? ::insert obvious answer here:: (yes)

31. Biggest pet peeve? People who clip their names in public, people that walk too slowly in front of me, people that drive too slowly in front of me, people that...hmm, a theme.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Flexible

33. In one word, how would you describe me? Superfantastico

34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Just did. :)

As of late...

2007-07-02T01:12:00.000-04:00

1. Went back to New Jersey for a few days to throw Peckle a surpriiiiiiiiiise bridal shower. I worked like a psycho leading up to the redeye to Newark, resulting in the first (and last, I'm sure) almost-pleasant overnight flight I've ever taken. Fell asleep just after takeoff, woke up when we touched down in Atlanta, where I changed planes and promptly conked out until arriving in Newark.

2. Spend some time in New York City. It was a tossup on whether I wanted to walk the 12 blocks from Penn to my meeting or take the train for old time's sake. Luckily, I was wearing some good Reefs, so I walked, along with 8 million other people, ten thousand cabs, a bunch of hot dog carts, a lot of mystery spots, and I loved/missed every second of it. Summer here in suburbia is great, if for no other reason than the pool is less than a thousand feet away, but hot town, summer in the city? Awesome, every urine-scented inch of it.

3. In the same vein, I got to spend several days living it up in New Jersey, The Greatest State In The Union And Don't You Forget It, Sucka. Even better, lots of quality time with Dr. Lu and dbg, which always = good times, especially when Jello shots are involved. Which also leads to...

4. I made Jello shots for the first time in my 28 years. And even bigger testiment to just how big a dork I am, I brought the box o' Jello to the liquor store to ensure the correct amount of booze was purchased. And by correct amount, I mean the right number of little bottles of the hard stuff to go along with the two jugs of sangria required for the weekend. And we ran out. And had to get more. From my GRAMMA. Because that's how we roll.

5. The morning of my return to the Wrong Coast, Dr. Lu and I purchased approximately ten thousand (or so) bagels to stash in my luggage for those long cold nights. Yes, I checked a bag containing nothing by bagels. And I'd do it again.

6. While slicing and packing said bag, I sliced my left middle finger open. Instead of spending the afternoon knocking back some Dunkin' Donuts, Dr. Lu sped me to the emergency room, where I waited on line behind a kid with a sore throat and a woman with a sprained ankle, lifeblood literally, figuratively, and actually draining out of me. The nurse was not impressed, by either my bleeding or my need to get on a plane in 3 hours.

7. It took my finger over four hours to clot, and that was with me, three nurses and two doctors standing on top of it, willing my insidey parts to go back from whence they came. Apparently I have a knack for hitting blood vessels with pointy things. Go hard or go home, I always say. I was still bleeding when I was discharged at 5:30, just in time to make it home for dinner AND to wave goodbye to my flight that left at 5:18. On the upside, it got me out of setting the table.

8. For the first time ever, Delta Airlines actually made up for their eXXXtreme degree of suckitude last February and sent me back to California for free. Sure, I had to take an extra flight, EWR-DCA-ATL-ONT, and spend almost 4 hours in the Atlanta airport, but I've had worse flights and didn't even get stuck in the 7th circle of hell, aka A Middle Seat. I even got home early enough to lay on the couch for awhile and spend some time with my old friend, Tivo, as it should be.

9. Did I mention it's 100 degrees here now, all day, every day? I need to get one of those oh so hip sun shades for the Mazda Jansport because hot sun + black leather interior = burnt hands. Ouch.

10. I made cupcakes tonight. Nothing says July like turning on the oven.

We're all a little bit racist sometimes.

2007-06-04T02:26:00.000-04:00

It constantly amazes me, the differences between LA and NYC. Two huge, influential cities, their populations can be strikingly similar, but in all my time in NYC, no one I've ever encountered has used such strong racist remarks as those I've come across lately. Maybe it's because you'd never find anyone there that's not a cross between someone and some place, but it's not like LA is White People, All The Time, which makes it even weirder.

1) At work the other day (oh yeah, I got a job. Goes through August. Pays the bills. Helps me sleep. Hooray! For now!), I was talking to a prospective talent, going over her contact info. When I got to her email, I made her spell it three times, because I couldn't believe it was something so WRONG, so inappropriate and so....she thought it was funny? Because she's Asian? Seriously?

2) Again, on the job, I was meeting with someone looking for a spot on the team, and when I asked if she was in or out, she said she wanted to, but "they're trying to Jew me down on my rate." Now, we'd just met. She has no idea who or what I am, but in that instant, I learned all I needed to know about her. If she's the kind of person that's okay with throwing that kind of thing around in casual conversation with someone she just met, I really have no interest in working or crossing paths with her ever again.

This kind of thing makes me once again re-examine who I am and how I present myself here. I can blend right in; unless you've spent enough time around Jews and don't know there's a whole line of us with red hair and pale skin, you wouldn't think me as anyone "ethnic." I'm not, nor do I pretend to be, but it makes me think about how it looks like I blend right in with everyone that's not outwardly "different." I'm not really comfortable with that, and it unsettles me to feel like this, because I'm not striving to stick out or BE DIFFERENT HEY LOOK AT ME I'M NOT LIKE YOU or anything like that. I know who and what I am, I just never thought I'd be somewhere that what I am IS different. It makes me think; I definitely don't want to be less than what I am, but do I want to be more? Do I actually want more or just look it? If this is how I feel now, in June, I can only imagine what the Christmas season will bring.

It's funny, when we came out here, I expected a lot of things to be different; I never imagined this would be it.

June Cleaver

2007-05-07T01:30:00.000-04:00

- Cleaned the apartment, including vacuum- and Windex-ing
- Went grocery shopping
- Did laundry, washing, folding AND putting it away
- Brewed ice tea
- Baked cookies
- Made frozen pizza for dinner (what?)

How disgustingly domestic. I better go eat a Big Mac while not wearing pants in my front yard while yelling at those damn kids to get off my lawn.

closed

2007-05-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

Please take your problems with your roomate, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, job, boss, coworker, salary, apartment, landlord, neighbors, weight, cat, dog, mother, father, brother, sister, wedding, divorce, engagment, car, subway, bus...

...somewhere else. I'm closed for business for awhile.

All I need to know, I learned on the 405

2007-04-29T01:53:00.000-04:00

Things I've Learned about California:

1) Radio is awful. There's a collection of about 50 songs, no matter what station is playing. I thought maybe I was making this up, but then I heard "I Want to Sex You Up" three times in one week on three different stations and...no. Color Me Bad, people. COLOR. ME. BAD.

2) No matter what time of day, month, day of the year, or season, there's traffic. I know it's a bad day when I'm stuck behind four cars and I haven't left the complex yet.

3) Even with all the cars, never has the concept of supply and demand been so well demonstrated by watching the guy at the Shell station down the hill raise the price of regular to $3.50.

4) Restaurant portions are huge. On the upside, hellooooo 2-for-1 dinners. I feel like we're in training for our wrinkly years in Miami with all the other Jews.

5) Speaking of food, this state has an afinity for the Arnold Palmer (iced tea-lemonade), which is fabulous. Also, oddly, they make a great potato salad. Seriously. Everywhere we go, the taters are top notch.

6) Summer sneaks up behind you, clonks you over the head and boom, it's July. Except its April. On the upside, our apartment is half underground, so it's like 20 degrees cooler in here. Come power bill time, that's going to be awesome.

7) I need to wear more sunscreen if I want to leave the house. A lot more. Like, say, a bottle a day.

8) There's no hands-free cell law. Considering how many merges are involved just to leave town, I can't see how this is practical in the least.

9) Flipflops are never not appropriate footwear. I adopted this look 30 seconds after getting off the plane, and know I'm in for a world of hurt and cold toes when we get back to New York. I don't miss socks at ALL.

10) I miss New York like crazy, but like this place a lot more than I thought I would.

Garden Stating

2007-04-20T08:54:00.000-04:00

Thanks to jetlag, I'm wide away at 7:30am on Friday morning. I don't have anywhere to be until noon, but this actually works out well, because I was able to minimize the time between sleeping and getting some sweet, sweet Dunkin' Donuts. Bagels are for crap in Southern California, and the only reason I had to wait so long between getting off the plane and swathing myself in carb-y goodness was the lack of sleep. Our 9pm flight turned into an 11pm takeoff, with an unscheduled layover in Las Vegas, making our landing at 7:15am the 24-hours-awake mark. It took another two hours in transit get from JFK to WO, but thanks to the tri-state area's BIG, EASY, INEXPENSIVE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION (are you listening, SoCal?), by the time we got home, showered and into jammies, it was 10am. Ouch. After all that, I felt no guilt at sleeping the day away.

(omg this bagel is awesome.)

Today's plan is to get a dress for the s'wedding and get my fill of all the goodies NJ has to offer. Tomorrow I'll hit up NYC, and the idea of visiting the city, rather than going home to 89th Street is a little odd. After a baby shower in Queens, we're going to cram ourselves full of Mexican food down at NYU, possibly followed by shakes. Sunday is visiting the other end of the family, capped off by Starlight.

(omg pizza. SoCal pizza sucks.)

Monday is acupuncture with Dr. Cupcake, followed by odds and ends, and then...sniff...back to the airport. Pleh. Fortunately, both she and Peckle* are scheduled for west coast appearances in the coming weeks. That'll be good, but I wish my time out here wasn't so limited. The tri-state is small, but mighty and there's just not enough time to get in all the good stuff. Oh, New Jersey, how I've missed thee.

(*omg maybe they'll bring me bagels and pizza.)

It hath risen

2007-04-11T01:36:00.000-04:00

Mmmmm...leavened. Nothing says goodbye to Passover like yellow cake with chocolate frosting AND sprinkles.

Mmmmm bread

2007-04-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

N: OMG OMG OMG OMG
N: It's almost not Passover.
L: This must be what xmas morning is like.
L: OMG IT'S SANTA AND HE'S MADE OF BREAD
N: Doughy Claus
L: It really IS the most wonderful time of the year.
N: I'm going to go buy a baguette after work and tie a bow around it.

Un. Leavened.

2007-04-04T23:30:00.000-04:00

Five effing bucks for a box of matzoh.

Also, Safeway lady? Please don't look at me like I had anything to do with what went down back then.

Berry good

2007-04-01T02:09:00.000-04:00

After yoga and some lunch, we headed over to Knott's Berry Farm for some quality time with the Scrambler and bumper cars. We hit the Snoopy store, but left empty hadded after determining that we could either spend nothing or everything, with no middle ground. It was harrowing, considering their dvd section, but for my emotional sanity, we had to leave it all behind. Anyone that can watch Snoopy Come Home without a total, crocodile-tears breakdown has a cold, black heart, with a soul made of carbon steel; I can't imagine what a wreck I'd be if it actually lived in my house.

3am

2007-03-30T03:07:00.000-04:00

I was turned down for a job today. On one hand, I wasn't thrilled with the position. It would been the right title and a relatively good salary, but the job was a very loose definition of what I do. It was much more of a support position, which isn't my specialty. On the other hand, it was a job and one I could have done with not a lot of stress. So, it's still a bummer.

Still, I'm better today. I think what's bothering me at night, is when I sit down to check email, look at blogs, etc., I have no one to talk to. I can't pick up the phone and call my nearest and dearest because they're all asleep back east. We're definitely past the phase of weeknights, and I don't think anyone would appreciate me bringing back that trend.

Night

2007-03-26T03:56:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how suburban we're quickly becoming. Saturday morning was yoga, followed by a nap, and then the rest of the weekend was a whirlwind of Target, Ikea, and various other shopping outlets. It's gotten so out of hand, we bought a little grill and even drilled a few holes in the wall to anchor the bookcases. What's become of us?

The state of the apartment these days sort of mirrors my state of mind. Some things are in order and in their place, but most everything else is out of whack, balanced on top of itself, being held together with dusty packing tape that's almost lost it's stick. I don't want to lose my stick, but I'm afraid. I haven't really slept well, staying up far too late, hoping exhaustion beats anxiety to the finish line. The longer I wait to go to bed, letting the tv fill the silence, the less time I'll spent lying awake, staring into the darkness, thinking. I'm bored. I'm getting lazy. I have no job. I'm at loose ends, with nothing to do. I have no purpose. And I'm lonely.

Poor J has to bear the brunt of it. He comes home after working all day, and has to hear about all the nothing I've done to pass the hours. I'm dragging my feet on doing things that need to be done, like dropping off a prescription or making a phone call, because once I do them, they're done, and I'll be left with nothing all over again. He does his best to keep me up, letting me call the shots with regards to our free time, but I don't want him to feel like he needs to babysit or constantly entertain me. I know I'll feel better once I get a job, which is a whole other worry in and of itself. There are more opportunities here, but a much, much larger talent pool, making the competition stiff. I thought I was getting a stronger response, but it's been quiet lately, and that makes me uneasy. When this happened in New York, I had a fallback. Here, I'm working without a net.

When you're sick, it's known as sundowning - you feel okay during the day but as the sun goes down, things start to feel worse. I actually feel okay throughout the day. I don't hate living here. Of course I miss home, but when it's light out, it's easy to see this adventure for what it is. It's when it gets dark and J has gone to be and it's just me, that's when I start to feel really alone. I try to remind myself at night that it's not so bad, but it's hard. I just keep wondering when we can put it all back in the boxes and go home.

Moving in

2007-03-18T04:30:00.000-04:00

We've been here 10 days and are settling in. It remains to be seen just how well, but for now, things are okay. We've been unpacking, albeit slowly. We did get the cable and internet hooked up. Couple that with the super comfy new couch and it's easy to see why unpacking isn't moving right along.

It's interesting here. We're about 35 miles outside of LA, and while I loved living in the middle of it all in New York, I think I'd really not enjoying living in the city here. It's so different from what we know, that I'm finding the suburbs to be okay. The biggest change so far is the driving. I like to drive and being from New Jersey, I'm damn good at it, but I miss the subway like crazy. Even on it's worst days, you got where you wanted to go in less than an hour for the low, low price of two bucks. Here, it's a crapshoot. It took me over three hours to get to LA on Wednesday, 90 of those minutes spent sitting on the approach to the freeway. Two overturned tractor trailer within 10 miles of each other snarled traffic up but good:

That's eight lanes of cars all trying to merge onto a road that had no intention of moving. Whereas Thursday was smooth sailing. Weird.

On the other hand, where traffic comes along with driving, it's a handy accessory, like a backpack on wheels. I can get whatever we need/want from the store instead of only what I can carry. And when I say store, I mean Target. There's one in every direction which is awesome for keeping us in discount toilet paper, but awful for keeping us in snacks, dvds, shoes, and all the other fun stuff they have. Must...resist...

In other news, after working (yes!) for two days this week with some old friends, I got my first sunburn of the season. I coated myself in so much sunscreen had I tripped and fallen (which is always entirely possible), I would have slid 15 feet into traffic. To be safe, I tethered myself to the building with leftover hot dogs. Waste not, want not.

The Amazing Race

2007-03-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

For all of you that know me and what happens when I go to the airport:

Our flight from Newark to Phoenix was relatively uneventful. 30 minutes in, the man behind me starting yelling for the air marshals because the women behind him kicked his seat. Twice. Threats of lawsuits went back and forth, with him demanding we land and get the cops involved. Needless to say, we had better things to do than sit in Pittsburgh over a playground argument and we made it to Phoenix, with him complaining the whole way.

Here's where it gets interesting: we landed at 7:15 in Terminal C, with 64 minutes to catch our connection to Ontario (CA) in Terminal...4 (I don't know either) With no signs to guide us, we tracked down a security guard who pointed us in the direction of a shuttle bus. We got on the bus at 7:30 and after a 10 minute ride, arrived at Terminal 4. After a series of wrong turns and some elevator rides, we found ourselves at the back of a 20+ person line for security, with 14 minutes to make our flight.

(As an aside, this bitchy woman in front of me tried to one-up me in her knowledge of NJ. She was from Philly, so I think you all know how that ended.)

J and I took turns taking off our shoes, getting out our laptops, etc, so we'd be ready when we got to the scanner. As we got closer, we could see the TSA agents taking their fine, sweetass time checking tickets, looking at IDs, asking about flights. When we finally got to the front, the agent insisted on flipping through my passport, looking at both sides of J's license, examining our old tickets from Newark, all the while commenting on how soon our flight was and how far the gate was from security.

We finally got through and me with a huge backpack and J with 2 bags, start running through the terminal. OF COURSE the moving walkways were broken, and we were gate 28, all the way at the end. The terminal was nothing but kids, old people, nuns, dogs, and I think at one point, we had to stop and let a family of ducks go by at gate 15.

We arrived at the gate at 7:59. We boarded...and were promptly delayed 30 minutes for equipment problems. We finally took off at 9pm.

This is all a roundabout way of saying we're now safely in California.

Where am I?

2007-03-06T01:47:00.000-05:00

I don't know how it happened, but apparently, I now live in California. It's a temporary exile, but I hope New York is okay without us.

I don't know how okay I am without New York.

Poke poke

2007-02-28T17:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, as a favor to Dr. Lu, I had 20 needles stuck all over me, in a variety of places. I was also willingly set on fire and chained to a bed.

What?

Peak ticket

2007-02-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

Every day, he waits by the information booth, in the middle of Grand Central Station. As the minutes tick by, people coming and going, meeting and greeting. And as time slips away, he continues to wait, everyday, knowing, hoping, eventually, someone will be there to meet him.

Insufficient fare

2007-02-21T22:26:00.000-05:00

On the W this evening, a bunch of cute girls got on behind me, one prettier than her friends. Decked out in brand new Uggs, a big Coach bag, the latest Burberry scarf, and a $100 manicure, she was in the process of regaling her friends with yet another tale of her latest bad date. His crime? He wasn't tall enough.

She sat next to me, and I saw the guy across from me check out the pretty one. He saw me looking and smiled briefly, embarrassed to be caught staring. He wasn't bad-looking himself, with a nice suit and a leather briefcase, complete with a schmancy new video iPod. The girls got off at 28th Street, and the guy was still looking at the pretty one, trying to work up the courage to say something to her. His eyes followed her out, and he watched her tell someone to get the fuck out of her way. The doors closed, his gaze still on the platform.

He looked back at me.

"I should have gotten her number, huh?"

I glanced up from my book and shook my head.

"No way. You dodged a bullet there. Girls like that? Will eat your dreams and destroy your soul."

Delta, we have a problem

2007-02-15T18:37:00.000-05:00

This is how I spend Wednesday. :

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my extreme displeasure for the service I did (and did not receive) on February 14, 2007.

Due to the weather on February 14, I arrived at JFK at 8am, almost four hours early for Flight 1841 to LAX, set to leave at 11:46am. I called the status line several times between 7am and during my trip to the airport and was told repeatedly the flight was on time. The check-in area was a total zoo, with a line wrapped around the terminal. I was fortunate to have no baggage and after some searching, found the single terminal for self-check in (which did indeed give an option to check bags.) More of those terminals would have gone a long, long way to alleviate the crushing line.

Around 10:30am, the flight had its first plane/terminal change, from Terminal 2, to Terminal 28, in a completely different section of the airport. There was no announcement made, just a semi-periodical scroll on a message board.

After moving to Terminal 28, we were told the flight was now delayed to 12pm, which turned into 12:30, 1pm, 1:30pm, etc. Terminal 28 is located in a forgotten part of JFK, with no food available other than a tired sandwich cart. I’m sure Delta is very proud of having a Discovery Channel store in that area, but as it sat, empty, while the sandwich cooler was raided, perhaps that should have been rethought.

Around 1:30pm, it was determined our new plane had broken bathroom doors and would not be suitable to fly to LAX, necessitating another plane/gate change, this time down to gate 27. Again, there was no announcement made, just a scroll put up on a television screen. The passengers were left to find out for themselves.

In the midst of all this, a woman was permitted to walk her very large, barking, untrained, and uncrated dog around the terminal. It was made clear to everyone that she intended to bring the dog on board and let it roam free. Many people were concerned and did not wish to fly next to a large dog with no crate.

At 2pm, the pilot made an announcement about a mechanical problem with our new plane and we’d have to wait until it was fixed, at least 30 minutes. The only reason I heard it, is because I was standing right next to him at the time. The PA system was so bad; the announcement was inaudible and garbled. When people rushed to the podium for clarification, the pilot returned to the plane, leaving myself and several other passengers to spread the word.

They finally made a boarding announcement at 2:30. However, we were not permitted to board until all the dogs in cargo and the one in the gate area had been walked. I can’t even begin to describe how angry and upset many, many passengers, including myself, became after seeing that. It’s inexcusable that Delta is placing animals ahead of people on their priority list, especially in a situation like this. It’s awful and insulting and possibly one of the worst things that could have happened at that moment.

We finally boarded at 2:45 and that’s when this ill-fated trip went from the sublime to the ridiculous.

At 3:15pm, when we were supposed to be pushing back, the jetway broke, refusing to detach from the side of the plane. On the other side, a luggage cart had slid underneath the plane, unable to finish loading bags, and was now stuck in snow. Our plane was now actually physically prevented from moving.

At 4pm, neither problem had been fixed, but we were being repeatedly assured that as soon as they were, we’d taxi out to the runway, get de-iced and be on our way. We were also informed that every other airline had canceled their flights hours ago, a Jetblue plane was currently frozen to the runway and ever better, if we didn’t get going before 6pm, the flight attendants would go into illegal overtime and would not be permitted to fly.

At 5:30, with both the jetway and luggage cart situations finally fixed, we tried to push back from the gate. We could not, as both the plane and tug was now also stuck in the snow and unable to move. At this point, passengers were pleading to be let off the plane and for Delta to follow the other airlines and cancel the flight. We were told that should we get off the plane, we’d forfeit our seat and no flights were available until at least Saturday. Additionally, should the plane take off, all the luggage was going to LA no matter what, and wouldn’t be returned for at least two business days (as this was Wednesday, the bags would be gone for over five days when returned.) The airline also refused to deliver the missing bags to homes, forcing people to return to JFK to retrieve them.

By 6:10pm, we attempted to push back from the gate once more. We jerked to a stop, because in the time it took for us to start moving, a Lufthansa plane had jumped the de-icing line, and was now in out spot, on the runway, with no de-icing trucks available. We couldn’t move until that plane had been towed away and the trucks located.

Which didn’t matter because at 6:20, our flight crew went illegal and were no longer permitted to fly.

Another crew was located, but they were also stuck on a plane on the runway, with no gate to taxi to. In order to get to us, the plane was to be towed to a parking lot, and the crew bused in. At this point, the pilots chose to inform us they had 90 more minutes before they too went illegal, and Delta still refused to cancel the flight. We were completely out of options and hope of getting out tonight if we didn’t get underway by 8pm, as there were no more flights beyond ours for the night. We were essentially being held hostage by Delta’s whims and refusal to end this nightmare at 2pm when it was clear this flight had way too many problems to continue. There’s absolutely no excuse for playing with people lives like this.

At 6:30pm, the jetway was brought back down to the plane, and the captain told everyone to get off. However, the gate agents and tower disagreed, and wouldn’t permit us to get off. Until a decision could be made, we were to sit on the plane, with the door open, and the weather frigid. We were told that should ANYONE got off the plane, it would become unsecured, and we’d all have to get off, be re-screened and re-boarded.

Perhaps the worst, most insulting part of the evening came next. Although we were banned from leaving the plane, Delta permitted the woman with the dog to go out on the jetway to walk the dog. Despite protestations from the entire plane, the flight and gate crew decided once again, the dog’s comfort was more important than any human on board. A woman with a toddler pleaded to get off the plane to get baby food and she was refused. There are no words to describe how horrible this situation had now become and this was the ultimate insult.

It was finally determined that it would be best to let everyone off the plane to get something to eat and use the bathrooms while they figured out this complete catastrophe.
Ordered not to leave the terminal, we sat there and watched the pilots collect their bags and coats and leave the plane. Delta still refused to cancel the flight.

Finally, at 7:30, they admitted defeat, and with no flight crew or pilots, ended the nightmare and canceled the flight. Over 150 people waited on line to try and get home and were being informed that not only were their no flights until at least Friday, Delta wouldn’t be providing hotel rooms or transportation or anything, not even a food voucher, for stranded passengers, blaming the entire situation on weather, completely ignoring the multitude of mechanical and customer service failures. I was forced, once again, to wait on line behind a dog, to get my tickets canceled and refunded.

Being delayed due to weather is one thing, but the snow stopped at 12:30pm. Delta had every opportunity to cancel the flight and instead, chose to hold over 150 people in limbo. There was no attempt to plow the runways or make alternate plans or help passengers in any way. Between allowing dogs more comfort than people, and refusing to do anything to help the situation, Delta has sent a clear message to their customers that they simple do not matter, no matter what the situation. Had the flight been canceled earlier in the day, it’s entirely possible that at least half of Flight 1841’s passengers would have been rebooked for same-day travel, either on other airlines or from LaGuardia or Newark. There were many children on board who are now missing school and sleeping in hotels (or worse, the Delta terminal), because the airline was stubborn. This goes so far beyond wanting to get people to their destination and is now firmly in the corner of refusing to do the right thing.

Due to Delta’s complete disregard for their passengers, I’ve had to forfeit a job in LA. Is Delta going to compensate me for that? Are they going to apologize for placing an animal’s priorities over paying customers? People need to know that Delta is only concerned with their bottom line, to the complete and total detriment of their customers (and inflight crew that was also forced to suffer.)

I am sending this email on Thursday February 15, 2007, as well as sending it via registered mail on Friday, February 16, 2007 to Delta CEO Gerald Grinstein. Delta has five business days from the receipt of this letter to contact me with both a formal, written (not emailed) apology and some sort of compensation for this entire, avoidable mess.

I await your response in this matter.

Me

A Delta-Don't

2007-02-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

Delta no longer lets you fly standby. I learned this today when trying to change from a 4pm flight to the redeye from LA. Not only would I have to pay 50 bucks, double the charge from the usual $25 but then an additional THOUSAND DOLLARS for the honor of spending my snoozing hours in an 18-inch seat contained within a metal tube, hurtling through space and time.

The Delta Lady also called me "sir" several times. When I finally pointed out she was, you know, wrong, in the time it took her to get mad and defensive, she was only too happy to inform me the price of the ticket was now eleven hundred dollars, thus bringing the final cost of the trip up to almost $1600, nearly 4 times what I originally paid. More than the current going rate for first class. And if I "miss" my 4pm flight and even try to go standby/cry my way onboard the redeye (which has maaaaany seats open, btw), they'll force me to buy a new ticket which "will be a big problem for you MA'AM, as you're not willing to pay for it, and will be at least TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS BY THEN so I don't know HOW you think you'll be getting home."

So, yeah. No standby. I hate you Delta.

(epilogue: I got the meeting changed to the morning so it's all a moot point. After all that, it's definitely a double-Nexium kind of day. Gah.)

Woof

2007-02-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

I'm not an animal person in the least. I will pet your dog if it's not taller than me, and sitcomgirl's piles of yarn are about as much cat as I can take.

But, if you can watch the Puppy Bowl and not smile just the tiniest bit, you have a heart made of the cheapest, coldest, hardest, dollar storiest-chocolate ever.

UO(we)M(e)

2007-01-31T22:04:00.000-05:00

Confidential to Mr. eHarmony:

Where's my 10 bucks, fool?

That was NOT easy

2007-01-30T18:37:00.000-05:00

The letter I've just sent to Staples customer service:

To Whom it May Concern:

I'm writing to express my extreme displeasure at the service I received at your [hometown] location this afternoon. I'd been in earlier to purchase a new monitor for my mother's office computer, and subsequently had to return it, based on it's incompatibility with her CPU.

After leaving the monitor at customer service, I selected a new one that would work with her system. She went to find a salesperson and when she returned with him (Al), he asked her if I was an engineer. She said no, and he informed her that he was and that HE knew what monitor she needed and I clearly had no idea.

From here, things went downhill. I told him the model I wanted and he put his hand up and told me we'd have to discuss this first before he'd get me the monitor. From the on, he proceeded to interrogate me on the make, model, technical stats, programs, and a variety of other things completely irrelevant to the purchase. I told him several times I wasn't interested in talking about it, I just wanted to buy a monitor, and he cut me off, put himself physically between myself and the display and said he wouldn't get me what I wanted until I let HIM decide the right piece of equipment. He flat-out refused to give me what I wanted to purchase, saying he'd make that decision for me, as I didn't know what I was talking about.

At this point, I decided I was no longer comfortable dealing with Al, and thanked him for his time, but I'd be taking my exchange to another location. He followed me out of the department, and told check my manual for the information and then said "Oh wait, nevermind. You people always throw them away. Nevermind." I have witnesses to this statement. I told him I didn't appreciate his rude, condescending, insulting attitude and to leave me alone.

At the register, seeing my displeasure, two salespeople asked what the problem was. I told them what had happened, and they offered to get a manager for me, telling me Al was just a salesperson (he told us he was a manager.) I declined, wanting to now return the monitor (rather than exchange, my original plan.) As the return was being processed, Al approached the register, demanding to make sure my box had all the parts and maybe he should check it, since I didn't know what I was looking for. I told him once again to go away and leave me alone. My return was processed and I left the store.

Never have I been treated so poorly at a store. I find it shocking and disappointing that Staples has employees that not only assume all their customers are idiots, but that this is a fair and nice way to do business. Al was rude, inappropriate, patronizing and obviously has a problem with no only women, but women that are knowledgeable about computers. I can't even believe I had to argue with a salesperson (one impersonating a manager, no less), about wanting to make a purchase.

I purchased a new monitor at Best Buy five minutes down the same road. Until Staples can demonstrate they train their employees to assist their customers and not treat them like children, I'll be getting my office supplies at Office Depot.

Regards:
Me

Foot Long

2007-01-24T23:25:00.000-05:00

R: We had a T hero today I think. Like your subway one there.

L: Oh?

R: If I fell on tracks, I'd want someone to save me.

L: Oh yeah. Wait.

...

L: See for a second, I really thought you meant a sandwich. And I was all, yum subs.

Robble robble

2006-12-22T23:28:00.000-05:00

Between this and the guy panhandling for tampon money in CVS last night, New York has lost it's collective mind.

Stand clear

2006-12-22T00:26:00.000-05:00

Ma'am, we can all appreciate how much $76/month is, but no matter how loudly you yell, you can't pay for your prescriptions with a Metrocard.

You have to ask the driver for a transfer to do that.

Eight crazy nights

2006-12-16T01:06:00.000-05:00

The Festival of Lights is once again upon us:

Dad: Ho Ho Ho Hannukah!

Mom: Shouldn't it be more like 'Ha Ha Ha Hannukah'?

Dad: Cccho Cccho Cccho Cccccccccchannukah!

Desert at night

2006-12-11T02:12:00.000-05:00

This evening, in the middle of our Southern California fact-finding mission, J and I found ourselves driving through the desert that separates Palm Beach and San Bernardino. As we wound our way through the mountains, it was pitch-black, even missing the constant orange glow of some distant city. The sky, punctuated only by differing shades of craggy-edged mountains, glittered with stars we never see.

We passed field after field of wind mills wooshing silently in the inky black night, fascinating and creepy all at the same time.

Ironing

2006-11-30T21:43:00.000-05:00

Confidential to the woman with the anti-foie gras, anti-animal testing, anti-fur, anti-meat buttons on your bag on the N train today:

Those are some great suede boots and leather bag.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

3WA

2006-11-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

On the 5 train last night, I was smushed against two teenage lesbians. I know they were lesbians because they told me so, and also because they licked and groped each other all the way up the east side.

I'm not certain, but after that, I think I've officially been in my first threesome

Yeouch

2006-11-12T00:52:00.000-05:00

A little tip from me to you:

When you wear your cute new red pointy-toe flats out for the first time, even though it's oddly warm for November, wear socks. Because when the stiff leather rubs the crap out of your heels, resulting in blisters and raw, red flesh, later on that night, when you take a shower to get the subyway/bar-ness off of you, you're going to swear your shower is broken and is spraying not water, but a nice mix of acid and lemon juice on your feet and holy FUCK does it hurt.

So don't do what Donny Don't did.

Almost-expired transfer

2006-11-07T17:45:00.000-05:00

A kid ran in front of the M14 last night and narrowly missed going squish. His mom was about 10 feet away, on her phone and only realized little Timmy was about to become a roadburger when the bus honking and screaming passengers made it too hard for her to hear her conversation. Without missing a beat, she grabbed him 3 inches before contact, and threw him on the sidewalk. Phone still mashed to her ear, she stood on the sidewalk, alternating between screaming at the bus driver "you coulda fucking kilt my kid!" and telling Timmy he deserved to get hit for running away.

Sounds like SOMEONE wants to have it both ways.

Sugar rush

2006-10-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, we gave the nephews plastic pumpkin buckets, loaded with skull lollipops that turn your tongue white, chocolate shaped like various body parts, Tootsie Rolls, Dots, and the biggest Halloween score of all, a full-size candy bar from Dylan's. Having much experience in getting "the same thing" as my younger sister, I made sure the buckets were exactly the same, even going so far as making dbg eat a second Tootsie Roll from Bucket #2 after taking one from Bucket #1. They were a big hit on Sunday, as giant loads of sugar tend to be for the 6- and 3-year old sets, but as they tore into them, I realized I made A Fatal Mistake:

One of the candy bars was white. The one in the other bucket was purple. Crap. Crap. CRAP.

Luckily, the lure of dinner was enough to pull them away from SugarFest '06, and all was temporarily forgotten until after the requisite "four bites" rule. Claiming they were much too full for chicken, they ran off to eat more candy. Of course. Expecting the squeals of discontent at any moment, I followed, several steps behind, hoping to head off any bloodshed.

You got purple! I like purple!

Do you want to trade?

Okay!

He may have been covered in skull tattoos and wearing bloody vampire fangs, but a big brother knows when to step up and do the right thing for the little guy.

I don't want your life

2006-10-17T12:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Joe:

I'd love it if you started paying your bills, particularly the cash you owe to DirecTV, Bank of America, Cingular, and American Express. As of today, I'm going to be spending more time at home, and I really don't enjoy these daily calls from your creditors. To be fair, its not YOUR fault you don't have a readily available phone number and they're forced to use the phone book, calling the number listed next to J [Conveniently Also Our Last Name.] We can place the blame for that one squarely on the shoulders of the lovely women that demand to know where they can find you, even after I tell them I have no idea who you are. Even better is when they call me a liar and tell me they'll just keep calling until I give them what they want.

In the past two days, I've been accused of "hiding from us" and "ignoring your responsibilities." I've given up asking for a supervisor, because that's usually met with a laugh and refusal. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, they just hang up on me. I'd stop answering the phone but the messages they leave on the voicemail are of the "we break thumbs" variety.

On one hand, dear Joe, you've taught me a valuable lesson about staying on top of my financial responsibilities. Never ever do I want to find myself in your position. There are enough nasty people in my life as it is, I don't need yours too.

Owing money doesn't make you a bad person, but letting someone else get nailed for your problems does. My patience is wearing thin with this one.

J-e-l-l-NO

2006-09-24T00:25:00.000-04:00

In preparation for my latest business trip, I've discovered something interesting in the TSA guidelines. While I'm not allowed to carry on toothpaste, lip gloss or pudding, I can legally transport screwdrivers, a corkscrew and knitting needles. So personal grooming falls by the wayside, but should I fancy an '83 merlot whilst making a sweater and come across a loose seat cushion, I'm totally set.

I'm a little afraid though, of thinking about how pudding came to be outlawed.

2006-09-11T23:40:00.000-04:00

Five years ago today will never be the same.

Croc!

2006-09-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

In what world does it make sense to swap your flip-flops for a pair of Crocs? Isn't that sort of a lateral move? While on my way home from work this evening, I saw a bunch of women in the sneaker store, trading their running shoes, flip-flops and clogs for Crocs. Candy-colored, clown-feet, Crocs.

I will also mention that one of the traders was wearing leggings and a wee denim skirt, so maybe she was just trapped in a trend vortex.

Row, row, row my boat...

2006-09-03T00:28:00.000-04:00

We just got back from a week-long cruise to the Bahamas, and after some time on dry land, there's still something inside me, rocking back and forth. It's like my spleen didn't get the memo.

This being my first time on a cruise, it's a pretty nice, budget-friendly, low-stress way to travel. You get on the boat, and boom, vacation. They even made us feel super at home by scaling the cabins down to shoebox-size, just like our apartment. The boat was a lot of sun, fun and fruity drinks. We didn't win any of the Bingo games, but I did walk away with a free cocktail and 10 bucks for pulling a winning number out of a raffle drum. We also came away with a bag of NCL keychains, luggage tags and beer cozies for winning both Name that Tune and Pub Trivia. Also, a lot of duty-free liquor. Woo.

The one thing I'd definitely never do again though, is cruise during hurricane season. Because when Ernesto comes a'calling to The Carolinas and Virginia and you have to sail through it, the result is your clothes all fallen off the closet shelves and the garbage can being used in a way the good lord never intended.

Raid

2006-08-24T22:28:00.000-04:00

A giant bug has currently made itself at home in my bathroom, which does not please me. After much shrieking, gnashing of teeth and waving of folded up magazines, J finally convinced me to take my shower, which I did, under the condition that he stood guard.

Considering our apartment is the size of a postage stamp, he happily agreed, seeing as how he could do it while lying on the couch, watching the Mets game.

Medic!

2006-08-06T01:02:00.000-04:00

Starting from the top and working my way down, my current injuries since starting this project include:

1. Large, red bump on my forehead. I dropped something between the tub and toilet, and when I stood up, royally clocked my noggin on the Cold knob of the shower.

2. Sore throat, cough and congestion. The throat is getting better, but the sinuses are always conspiring to turn on me, so I expect that to get a lot worse before it gets better.

3. Various bruises from shoulder to wrist, both hands. These most certainly came from loading and unloading the van several hundred times in two days, carrying tables and racks, lugging flats of water and juice all over creation, carrying several cast iron pots and a variety of other things.

4. Sprained right wrist. This one is the biggest and really, my crowning achievement. Most likely obtained after loading a very, very, very large Target order into the back of an SUV, and made worst by working on it, full-force, for two days straight. Dr. Lu says to rest and ice it. I've penciled that in for September. Maybe.

5. Stab wound (small) on left-hand middle finger. Done today, while slicing a bagel. Last Tetanus shot was August 2002, so despite J's repeated attempts to use the Mute button on me, I probably won't be getting lockjaw any time soon.

6. Slice across right pinky. Opening a box of tapes always comes with a certain risk.

7. Bruised and swollen right knee. When you go tearing across a concrete floor at top speed and slip on a wet patch and, after much flailing, you finally come crashing down on that knee, it turns lovely shades of red and purple.

8. Nine-inch long scratch, left calf. No idea where that came from. Possible tiger-attack.

9. Large, swollen bruise, arch of right foot. Running from Point A to Point F while working, I snagged the side of my foot on the edge of a cable cover on the floor. Being a moron, I was wearing flipflops, and can only blame myself for that one.

10. Large bruise/possible fracture, right foot. A folding chair was hovering over my foot, totally unnoticed by myself or the sitter. I think we all know what happened next. I can walk on it just find, but it hurts a lot in the morning and if I sit down for a bit or rest it, it's painful when I get up. I should probably get it x-ray'd, but eh.

Honorable mentions: a wicked sinus headache, major sleep deprivation, and several spectacular ass-over-teakettle falls, in front of at least seven people while working (see #7 above.) I really earned that COBRA this month, I tell you what. While I anticipate a full recovery, I'm also 100% that after looking at my August schedule, it's quite likely I'll be in several pieces by Labor Day.

RIP Stripey

2006-07-11T22:21:00.000-04:00

At the new office, we have a big, schmancy fishtank, filled with colorful, expensive fish. It's said The Fish are silent partners in the firm, and judging by the almost full-page of feeding instructions they come with, it'd be wise never to get on their bad side.

Enter Stripey, a pretty red- and white-striped fish. I told him he looked like a candy cane; he blew bubbles while swimming into the side of the tank. Sometime overnight, the rest of the tank went all Animal Planet on Stripey's striped butt and ATE HIM. When we came in this morning, he was still swimming happily around in the tank, albeit it a little (more) confused, covered in bite marks, trailing little pieces of...himself behind him. Ouch.

As the day went on, Stripey seemed less and less interested in swimming and became more concerned with keeping his fins, because his former friends KEPT EATING HIM. They followed him around the tank, nipped at his nonexistent heels, until he finally sat down on the bottom of the tank and promptly floated to the top.

By the end of the day, all that was left of poor Stripey was a fin and some scales. No one can figure out what caused his tankmates to go all Lord of the Flies on his ass, but I know one thing for sure, and that's to never be the last person left in the office with those fish.

You can always get it right next time

2006-07-06T20:02:00.000-04:00

It's amazing. I get a job, and poof, there goes all my free time. Like 2:00pm. Or 4:52pm. Times like that.

On the other hand, I traded all those hours for the return of my sanity, so I think it's fair.

For a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with any of you, I can't go into too much detail about the new job, but what I can tell you, is that the position is exactly what I was looking for and is a great project. While I definitely don't believe that my misery level was conversely related to the kind of job I was going to land, but I also didn't have any choice. I had to be patient and wait it out for the right one to come along. For the next few weeks, it has, and I'm not going to take it for granted. I haven't started with the coming in early and leaving late business, but I also haven't downloaded Instant Messenger or bookmarked any other sites than the ones I need for work.

It's interesting, actually, how this job has played out so far. It's in the same industry, but at a higher level, doing some of things I used to do, but more, with loads of responsibility and much higher stakes. It's funny though; I don't know if I've changed much over the year, or just know what's on the line, but tasks that used to be difficult, things given to me as a test, are now What I Do. They aren't as difficult or scary as they once seemed. I still talk way too fast on the phone and still make notes ahead of time for said-conversations, but the old fears of Can I do this? Holy crap, I can't do this!, When will I screw this up? How long until they realize I'm a fraud?, while still there, are much, much less pressing. I'll spend the day checking things off the list, and it won't be until I'm at Starbucks or waiting in front of the printer that my psyche is all wait, weren't we supposed to be nervous back there? Aren't we supposed to assume we were wrong? It's a nice feeling, but I don't want to get used to it just yet.

I didn't lose my job last summer because I was bad at it, and while I gave it my best effort 97% of the time, I was definitely comfortable, and that made having the rug pulled out from under me much, much worse. I don't regret letting that job become part of me, but this time around, I'm keeping a look out for The Next Big Thing for what comes next. I'd like it to be where I am, but I don't want to be caught out there again like last time.

z-y-z...

2006-06-30T00:43:00.000-04:00

What do the following words have in common?

Trump
Starbucks
Walgreens
Bronx

They're all really, really fun to stay backwards. Try it with the kids!

Smooooooooth

2006-06-28T13:42:00.000-04:00

As noticed by my eagle-eyed husband:

Dunkin' Donuts must have REALLY high hopes for their strawberry-banana smoothie.

Mmmmm memo

2006-06-27T22:58:00.000-04:00

To: Baskin-Robbins
cc: IHOP, Jamba Juice,

Please consider renaming some of your more popular items. While ordering "Truffle in Paradise", "Rooty Tooty Fresh n' Fruity", or "Berry Lime Sublime" is certainly more "fun" than asking for chocolate ice cream, pancakes and fruit or a smoothie, it does lead to a certain loss of pride when the scooper doesn't speak English well enough to tell the difference between the flavors, thus leading the customer into doing an ice cream pantomime pointing dance while yelling "No! Not Perfectly Peach, I want Maui Brownie Madness! Madness! Maaaaaaaaaadness!!

I await your prompt attention in this matter.

Very truly yours,
The girl that just wanted chocolate ice cream with some damn rainbow sprinkles.

AWESOME

2006-06-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

My unemployment benefits have officially dried up. The meager little check New York State has been sending me once a week is now no longer, and while it was well below what I made as a human being with some kind of worth, it paid the rent and sometimes allowed me to sleep at night. Sometimes.

I knew my claim couldn't last forever, and I had actually managed to extend it for several months past it's projected end-date. I've been keeping a keener watch on my finances lately, so I won't be fucked six ways 'til Sunday...yet. August will be interesting. The 17th will be my first anniversary of being a total loser with no job, and I'm already planning on hiding under the bed. The odds of any of the zillion jobs I've interviewed for to suddenly call me are getting lower by the day and I've already started stockpiling Fruit Roll-ups.

Speaking of that, I'm also hungry, but I'm afraid to go into the kitchen, on the chance that I'll spill lemon juice and salt into the gaping wound that is my ego, pride and self-esteem.

What am I?

2006-06-24T18:29:00.000-04:00

The thing that irrationally bugs me about those character generators is that The Real Me never looks like The Cartoon Me. According to Designher Gals, this is what I look like.

Starting from the top, the maker gets one or two things right. I do, in fact, have red hair, and even though it's being represented by more of an orange, I can get behind the fact that Fire Engine Red is even further from the truth. Continuing on down, as long as the black t-shirt and denim skirt came from Old Navy, we're three for three, and those flipflops look suspiciously like Reefs. Apparel-wise, the DG is spot-on.

However, If my bangs were that cute, summer 2000 wouldn't have included several billion bobbypins, gallons of hair gel, a variety of hats, and much gnashing of teeth when I finally said FUCK IT and went to work in a bonnet while my bangs grew out. I am also not six feet tall, and don't posess Cartoon Lesley's impressive phyisque. I mean, I wish I did, but even if I gave up cheeseburgers starting now, she still has a good seven inches on me and my last growth spurt was in 9th grade. Look at her arms, they hang to her knees! She could snake a toilet with those things!

I finally hit upon the one doll maker that really, truly reflects what I look like. I dare anyone who knows me to tell me this doesn't look eerily like me:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

It amuses me to no end that even on the internet, I'm sitting with the kids from South Park.

Express train to nowhere

2006-06-22T18:14:00.000-04:00

Confidential to the man smashed up against on the uptown #6 this evening:

I'm flattered that, although we've never met face-to-face, you so obviously already have feelings for me. You've touched me in a way most never have, and it's clear your affections are hard...core. But it could never work between us; we're just too different. I like showering and brushing my teeth and I'd never dream of forcing my interests on you. That's never good for fragile, new relationships like ours.

And so, I bid you farewell. If I don't get off here, I'm certain that by 125th Street, we'll have ended badly. Best to do it on a good note.

Kitchen-ette

2006-06-20T19:03:00.000-04:00

Just because the combined counterspace in my last several apartments totals less than 5 square-feet doesn't mean I can't cook. It just explains why potatoes are cooling on top of the air conditioner, chopped veggies are balanced within the dish-drain and the toaster is doing an admirable job of guarding the bread.

One year

2006-06-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

A year ago today, this is what we had for dinner.

This weekend, we unwrapped the top layer and finally got to taste it. Despite the fact that it was kosher before freezing, it was more than edible after defrosting.

Except for the fruits on top. Those felt like snot.

Not-so-Friskies

2006-06-16T13:14:00.000-04:00

She's been in and out of the vet all this week with her sick cat.

Is this going to be one of those Animal Planet garter-snake-with-a-tumor thing?

Oh yeah. They said it's either cancer or fatty liver disease.

Her cat has a fatty liver?

The first thing I thought when she told me...

Don't say it.

Paté?

Caté.

Oh my god, that's brilliant AND horrible.

We're going to hell.

CAT hell.

Grande 'tude

2006-06-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

If you're going to rebel, refusing to order by tall, grande or venti isn't the way to do it. Oh sure, you're a badass for demanding a medium, but at the end of your coupe, you're still at Starbucks in Gap jeans, wearing Keds, drinking a triple-shot soy vanilla caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream. Doesn't exactly go with raging against the machine.

The revolution WILL be caffeinated.

Never enough

2006-06-14T22:58:00.000-04:00

I found out today that some people I knew in my formal life as someone with a job have moved on from Company A to Company B. Company has been looking for employees for some time, but clearly, not me, because I've never gotten so much as an auto-respond from my resume. Of course.

I like this particular bunch of people and good for them for leaving our old cube farm before they caught what I got, but a growing part of me is sad. And jealous. And annoyed. And upset. They had perfectly good jobs, ones someone once sacrificed several others so they could keep them and they go and get more? I don't want to call it greedy, because we all have rent to pay, but...what about me? When is it my turn? When will there be enough for me? When will I get to stop hearing about everyone else's good fortune and finally have some of my own?

Do the 'do

2006-06-13T12:49:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've noticed a rise in girls sporting mohaws. There were the goth girls on NJTransit, who had worked so hard to sculpt the rainbow-streaked masterpiecea that they glared at anyone who looked their way because god, they didn't do this for YOUpleasepleasepleasenoticemeSTOP STARING AT ME, PIG.

On the 6 train the other night, there were two sitings, a blonde that looked like the 'hawk may have been an unfortunate side efffect from sleeping with her head in a Kitchenaid. It was hard to tell.

The final entry was the most impressive, for the coordination factor alone. A black woman with short hair, had bleached the top, dyed it yellow and green and spiked it. She was wearing all black, but her eye makeup, jewelry and flipflops all tied into her 'do and it looked pretty damn cool.

I don't know how long it takes or how much product is involved to do the 'hawk right, but I do know that the odds of me trying this one out are pretty low.

2C

2006-06-08T22:46:00.000-04:00

My neighbors (2C) have, at any given moment, approximately 47 people living in their apartment, and only one set of keys between them. Thus, when someone needs to get upstairs, they just ring the buzzer.

Buzz.

Buzz.

BUZZ.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
buzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzz buzzbuzz buzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzzbuzz

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzz.

Lucky for us, this can be heard throughout the entire building. Someone will buzz them in, which is followed by someone (or several people) crashing up the stairs to pound on the door.

Pound.

Pound.

POUND.

POUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUND
POUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUND
POUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUNDPOUND.

etc.

It's really nice to listen to, several times a day. Even better when they turn the tv up to 11 at 7am on Saturday mornings.

Money for nothing

2006-06-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's that rare moment in the month where everything is in it's place. The rent and bills are paid, COBRA has gone out, and there's just enough money leftover to let me sleep at night. It doesn't last forever, but for now, it's the sweetest feeling in the world.

So what's mine?

2006-06-06T16:27:00.000-04:00

The more I think about it, the more I know I need to change my outlook on life, but I'm not sure how. I got married almost a year ago, which was and continues to be, fantastic, but then I lost my job last August and work has been few and far between since then.

I didn't realize it at the time, but a more-than-healthy significant portion of my identity was wrapped up in that job. It defined me, as what I did for a living, as a title and as a person. I know in the most important schemes, I didn't deserve to lose my job, but a voice inside me, lurking even in the best times, constantly reminds me that hubris is a very bad thing and I was certainly proud of that job. Maybe too proud.

I know that when/if I ever get another job, I'll long for the nights of staying up late and waking up without the alarm, but the reality of that existence, is that it's lonely. I spent almost every day, alone, without much to do. The house is clean, the laundry is done, and the fridge is full. Everyone is at work, and I'm left here, staring at the walls, left to my thoughts, which is a bad place to be.

I want to be happier, I really do and I know it's all tied in my feeling useful and accomplished, which is what working gave me and now that I don't have that, I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to recreate that feeling of having a purpose without anything to do.

Quack

2006-06-06T12:55:00.000-04:00

I dreamt last night that we had a little pet brown duck named Patrick. He lived happily in our tiny little apartment and quacked a lot. I somehow managed to litterbox-train him and he had a blue kiddie pool where our bar currently lives.

When I woke up, I was more than a little disappointed that it was just a dream. When we win the lottery, I'm definitely going to have to make this one happen. He was a nice duck.

600 lb. polar bear

2006-06-05T23:17:00.000-04:00

Upon discovering the sabotaged Egg Beaters this evening and not wanting to get Tylenol'd, omelet plans were scrapped in favor of pasta with the already-prepared potatoes and toast. I haven't had this much white flour since I worked on the low carb show.

Irony, noted.

It's goin' rain

2006-06-04T01:18:00.000-04:00

I got caught in the first really good thunderstorm of the summer while walking home last night. I had 4 blocks to go, when the skies opened up and the rain came sheeting down. I was soaked to the bone in 30 seconds, but, while the sidewalks rolled up and people ran for cover (sidenote: ladies, that Gristedes bag on your head isn't doing you any favors, hair-wise or other), I slowed down, and took it all in. The water was warm and I was wearing shorts and flipflops, going out of my way to step in all the puddles.

When I got home, I was dripping wet. I left my wet clothes in a pile in the kitchen and immediately got into the shower. While it had the nice-smelling soap, it wasn't nearly as good as the rain.

For me, summer is like Hannukah, Christmas, Halloween, my birthday and the last day of school, all rolled into one.