Illin'

In case anyone was curious, here's what's going on in my own personal biosphere:

Day 1: Cough, sore throat, intermittent fever, body aches, lack of appetite, unable to get off the couch. Suffering made a hundred times worse by having to take the redeye from CA to NY. Husband requires crowbar to pry you off the couch. Upon check-in, you look so pathetic and pale, the nice lady seats you in Row 1. You repay her by vomiting 45 minutes into the flight and applaud her foresight for near-the-bathroom seating. Oddly, this makes you feel better. Sorry, JetBlue #88!

Day 2: Cold settles firmly in lungs. Heavy cough, shortness of breath, more fevers. Wishes for death and/or unconsciousness by mallet to head increase. Sound like a 80 year-old chain smoker, feel just about as healthy. Sleep fitfully, have dreams of being chased by a cheese danish. Shivering, wish you could somehow drag your bed into the shower, which is running at 11 and the only place you can get warm.

Day 3, part 1: A reprieve! The sore throat and fever is gone, and the elephant has climbed off your chestal region. General exhaustion and a bit of congestion, but well enough to do some laundry, change out of jammies and into lounge pants. Consider this a major victory and celebrate by eating toast. Get crumbs in bed, which you realize, that, with the exception of the shower, toast and laundry, you haven't really left in 36 hours. Oddly, this doesn't bother you.

Day 3, part 2: Realize you've become a walking science project when, while watching Martha Stewart, you can see your organs begin run via antigravity and the mucus in your lungs is marching it's way to your sinuses. Prayer does nothing and you run through a box of Kleenex in 20 minutes. Denial begins, and a Mucinex-Tylenol Sinus-Halls-Robitussin cocktail sounds like a really good plan of attack.

Day 3/4, part 4am: It wasn't. Now, in addition to trying to breath through a wet sponge, you're high on cold meds and can't sleep. When you do manage to nod off, all your dreams are narrated by Zach Braff.

Day 4: Require an assist in getting your head off the pillow. Everything from the neck up is swimming in mucus. Realize it's all lies and that Puffs Ultra Plus Soft Kitten Fur is made of Brillo pads. On the upside, your sore throat is gone, but it's been replaced with a runny nose worse than any 6 year old and congestion so bad, your teeth hurt. Also, your nose has completely rubbed off and has been replaced with a Mr. Potatohead nose, which also runs. Call Dr. Cupcake and plead with her to come over and do that thing she once told you about that sounded so painful, you'd have to prefer her back over your head in her truck instead Offer money, firstborn.

Day 5: Mouth still throbby from stuffiness. Rapidly running out of common symptoms and Scrubs reruns, wonder what comes next. Place bets on itchy rash, MRSA, internet virus, and/or chicken pox.