Night

It's amazing how suburban we're quickly becoming. Saturday morning was yoga, followed by a nap, and then the rest of the weekend was a whirlwind of Target, Ikea, and various other shopping outlets. It's gotten so out of hand, we bought a little grill and even drilled a few holes in the wall to anchor the bookcases. What's become of us?

The state of the apartment these days sort of mirrors my state of mind. Some things are in order and in their place, but most everything else is out of whack, balanced on top of itself, being held together with dusty packing tape that's almost lost it's stick. I don't want to lose my stick, but I'm afraid. I haven't really slept well, staying up far too late, hoping exhaustion beats anxiety to the finish line. The longer I wait to go to bed, letting the tv fill the silence, the less time I'll spent lying awake, staring into the darkness, thinking. I'm bored. I'm getting lazy. I have no job. I'm at loose ends, with nothing to do. I have no purpose. And I'm lonely.

Poor J has to bear the brunt of it. He comes home after working all day, and has to hear about all the nothing I've done to pass the hours. I'm dragging my feet on doing things that need to be done, like dropping off a prescription or making a phone call, because once I do them, they're done, and I'll be left with nothing all over again. He does his best to keep me up, letting me call the shots with regards to our free time, but I don't want him to feel like he needs to babysit or constantly entertain me. I know I'll feel better once I get a job, which is a whole other worry in and of itself. There are more opportunities here, but a much, much larger talent pool, making the competition stiff. I thought I was getting a stronger response, but it's been quiet lately, and that makes me uneasy. When this happened in New York, I had a fallback. Here, I'm working without a net.

When you're sick, it's known as sundowning - you feel okay during the day but as the sun goes down, things start to feel worse. I actually feel okay throughout the day. I don't hate living here. Of course I miss home, but when it's light out, it's easy to see this adventure for what it is. It's when it gets dark and J has gone to be and it's just me, that's when I start to feel really alone. I try to remind myself at night that it's not so bad, but it's hard. I just keep wondering when we can put it all back in the boxes and go home.