All I need to know, I learned on the 405

Things I've Learned about California:

1) Radio is awful. There's a collection of about 50 songs, no matter what station is playing. I thought maybe I was making this up, but then I heard "I Want to Sex You Up" three times in one week on three different stations and...no. Color Me Bad, people. COLOR. ME. BAD.

2) No matter what time of day, month, day of the year, or season, there's traffic. I know it's a bad day when I'm stuck behind four cars and I haven't left the complex yet.

3) Even with all the cars, never has the concept of supply and demand been so well demonstrated by watching the guy at the Shell station down the hill raise the price of regular to $3.50.

4) Restaurant portions are huge. On the upside, hellooooo 2-for-1 dinners. I feel like we're in training for our wrinkly years in Miami with all the other Jews.

5) Speaking of food, this state has an afinity for the Arnold Palmer (iced tea-lemonade), which is fabulous. Also, oddly, they make a great potato salad. Seriously. Everywhere we go, the taters are top notch.

6) Summer sneaks up behind you, clonks you over the head and boom, it's July. Except its April. On the upside, our apartment is half underground, so it's like 20 degrees cooler in here. Come power bill time, that's going to be awesome.

7) I need to wear more sunscreen if I want to leave the house. A lot more. Like, say, a bottle a day.

8) There's no hands-free cell law. Considering how many merges are involved just to leave town, I can't see how this is practical in the least.

9) Flipflops are never not appropriate footwear. I adopted this look 30 seconds after getting off the plane, and know I'm in for a world of hurt and cold toes when we get back to New York. I don't miss socks at ALL.

10) I miss New York like crazy, but like this place a lot more than I thought I would.

Garden Stating

Thanks to jetlag, I'm wide away at 7:30am on Friday morning. I don't have anywhere to be until noon, but this actually works out well, because I was able to minimize the time between sleeping and getting some sweet, sweet Dunkin' Donuts. Bagels are for crap in Southern California, and the only reason I had to wait so long between getting off the plane and swathing myself in carb-y goodness was the lack of sleep. Our 9pm flight turned into an 11pm takeoff, with an unscheduled layover in Las Vegas, making our landing at 7:15am the 24-hours-awake mark. It took another two hours in transit get from JFK to WO, but thanks to the tri-state area's BIG, EASY, INEXPENSIVE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION (are you listening, SoCal?), by the time we got home, showered and into jammies, it was 10am. Ouch. After all that, I felt no guilt at sleeping the day away.

(omg this bagel is awesome.)

Today's plan is to get a dress for the s'wedding and get my fill of all the goodies NJ has to offer. Tomorrow I'll hit up NYC, and the idea of visiting the city, rather than going home to 89th Street is a little odd. After a baby shower in Queens, we're going to cram ourselves full of Mexican food down at NYU, possibly followed by shakes. Sunday is visiting the other end of the family, capped off by Starlight.

(omg pizza. SoCal pizza sucks.)

Monday is acupuncture with Dr. Cupcake, followed by odds and ends, and then...sniff...back to the airport. Pleh. Fortunately, both she and Peckle* are scheduled for west coast appearances in the coming weeks. That'll be good, but I wish my time out here wasn't so limited. The tri-state is small, but mighty and there's just not enough time to get in all the good stuff. Oh, New Jersey, how I've missed thee.

(*omg maybe they'll bring me bagels and pizza.)

It hath risen

Mmmmm...leavened. Nothing says goodbye to Passover like yellow cake with chocolate frosting AND sprinkles.

Mmmmm bread

N: OMG OMG OMG OMG
N: It's almost not Passover.
L: This must be what xmas morning is like.
L: OMG IT'S SANTA AND HE'S MADE OF BREAD
N: Doughy Claus
L: It really IS the most wonderful time of the year.
N: I'm going to go buy a baguette after work and tie a bow around it.

Un. Leavened.

Five effing bucks for a box of matzoh.

Also, Safeway lady? Please don't look at me like I had anything to do with what went down back then.

Berry good

After yoga and some lunch, we headed over to Knott's Berry Farm for some quality time with the Scrambler and bumper cars. We hit the Snoopy store, but left empty hadded after determining that we could either spend nothing or everything, with no middle ground. It was harrowing, considering their dvd section, but for my emotional sanity, we had to leave it all behind. Anyone that can watch Snoopy Come Home without a total, crocodile-tears breakdown has a cold, black heart, with a soul made of carbon steel; I can't imagine what a wreck I'd be if it actually lived in my house.

3am

I was turned down for a job today. On one hand, I wasn't thrilled with the position. It would been the right title and a relatively good salary, but the job was a very loose definition of what I do. It was much more of a support position, which isn't my specialty. On the other hand, it was a job and one I could have done with not a lot of stress. So, it's still a bummer.

Still, I'm better today. I think what's bothering me at night, is when I sit down to check email, look at blogs, etc., I have no one to talk to. I can't pick up the phone and call my nearest and dearest because they're all asleep back east. We're definitely past the phase of weeknights, and I don't think anyone would appreciate me bringing back that trend.

Night

It's amazing how suburban we're quickly becoming. Saturday morning was yoga, followed by a nap, and then the rest of the weekend was a whirlwind of Target, Ikea, and various other shopping outlets. It's gotten so out of hand, we bought a little grill and even drilled a few holes in the wall to anchor the bookcases. What's become of us?

The state of the apartment these days sort of mirrors my state of mind. Some things are in order and in their place, but most everything else is out of whack, balanced on top of itself, being held together with dusty packing tape that's almost lost it's stick. I don't want to lose my stick, but I'm afraid. I haven't really slept well, staying up far too late, hoping exhaustion beats anxiety to the finish line. The longer I wait to go to bed, letting the tv fill the silence, the less time I'll spent lying awake, staring into the darkness, thinking. I'm bored. I'm getting lazy. I have no job. I'm at loose ends, with nothing to do. I have no purpose. And I'm lonely.

Poor J has to bear the brunt of it. He comes home after working all day, and has to hear about all the nothing I've done to pass the hours. I'm dragging my feet on doing things that need to be done, like dropping off a prescription or making a phone call, because once I do them, they're done, and I'll be left with nothing all over again. He does his best to keep me up, letting me call the shots with regards to our free time, but I don't want him to feel like he needs to babysit or constantly entertain me. I know I'll feel better once I get a job, which is a whole other worry in and of itself. There are more opportunities here, but a much, much larger talent pool, making the competition stiff. I thought I was getting a stronger response, but it's been quiet lately, and that makes me uneasy. When this happened in New York, I had a fallback. Here, I'm working without a net.

When you're sick, it's known as sundowning - you feel okay during the day but as the sun goes down, things start to feel worse. I actually feel okay throughout the day. I don't hate living here. Of course I miss home, but when it's light out, it's easy to see this adventure for what it is. It's when it gets dark and J has gone to be and it's just me, that's when I start to feel really alone. I try to remind myself at night that it's not so bad, but it's hard. I just keep wondering when we can put it all back in the boxes and go home.

Moving in

We've been here 10 days and are settling in. It remains to be seen just how well, but for now, things are okay. We've been unpacking, albeit slowly. We did get the cable and internet hooked up. Couple that with the super comfy new couch and it's easy to see why unpacking isn't moving right along.

It's interesting here. We're about 35 miles outside of LA, and while I loved living in the middle of it all in New York, I think I'd really not enjoying living in the city here. It's so different from what we know, that I'm finding the suburbs to be okay. The biggest change so far is the driving. I like to drive and being from New Jersey, I'm damn good at it, but I miss the subway like crazy. Even on it's worst days, you got where you wanted to go in less than an hour for the low, low price of two bucks. Here, it's a crapshoot. It took me over three hours to get to LA on Wednesday, 90 of those minutes spent sitting on the approach to the freeway. Two overturned tractor trailer within 10 miles of each other snarled traffic up but good:



That's eight lanes of cars all trying to merge onto a road that had no intention of moving. Whereas Thursday was smooth sailing. Weird.

On the other hand, where traffic comes along with driving, it's a handy accessory, like a backpack on wheels. I can get whatever we need/want from the store instead of only what I can carry. And when I say store, I mean Target. There's one in every direction which is awesome for keeping us in discount toilet paper, but awful for keeping us in snacks, dvds, shoes, and all the other fun stuff they have. Must...resist...

In other news, after working (yes!) for two days this week with some old friends, I got my first sunburn of the season. I coated myself in so much sunscreen had I tripped and fallen (which is always entirely possible), I would have slid 15 feet into traffic. To be safe, I tethered myself to the building with leftover hot dogs. Waste not, want not.

The Amazing Race

For all of you that know me and what happens when I go to the airport:

Our flight from Newark to Phoenix was relatively uneventful. 30 minutes in, the man behind me starting yelling for the air marshals because the women behind him kicked his seat. Twice. Threats of lawsuits went back and forth, with him demanding we land and get the cops involved. Needless to say, we had better things to do than sit in Pittsburgh over a playground argument and we made it to Phoenix, with him complaining the whole way.

Here's where it gets interesting: we landed at 7:15 in Terminal C, with 64 minutes to catch our connection to Ontario (CA) in Terminal...4 (I don't know either) With no signs to guide us, we tracked down a security guard who pointed us in the direction of a shuttle bus. We got on the bus at 7:30 and after a 10 minute ride, arrived at Terminal 4. After a series of wrong turns and some elevator rides, we found ourselves at the back of a 20+ person line for security, with 14 minutes to make our flight.

(As an aside, this bitchy woman in front of me tried to one-up me in her knowledge of NJ. She was from Philly, so I think you all know how that ended.)

J and I took turns taking off our shoes, getting out our laptops, etc, so we'd be ready when we got to the scanner. As we got closer, we could see the TSA agents taking their fine, sweetass time checking tickets, looking at IDs, asking about flights. When we finally got to the front, the agent insisted on flipping through my passport, looking at both sides of J's license, examining our old tickets from Newark, all the while commenting on how soon our flight was and how far the gate was from security.

We finally got through and me with a huge backpack and J with 2 bags, start running through the terminal. OF COURSE the moving walkways were broken, and we were gate 28, all the way at the end. The terminal was nothing but kids, old people, nuns, dogs, and I think at one point, we had to stop and let a family of ducks go by at gate 15.

We arrived at the gate at 7:59. We boarded...and were promptly delayed 30 minutes for equipment problems. We finally took off at 9pm.

This is all a roundabout way of saying we're now safely in California.

Where am I?

I don't know how it happened, but apparently, I now live in California. It's a temporary exile, but I hope New York is okay without us.


I don't know how okay I am without New York.

Poke poke

Yesterday, as a favor to Dr. Lu, I had 20 needles stuck all over me, in a variety of places. I was also willingly set on fire and chained to a bed.

What?

Peak ticket

Every day, he waits by the information booth, in the middle of Grand Central Station. As the minutes tick by, people coming and going, meeting and greeting. And as time slips away, he continues to wait, everyday, knowing, hoping, eventually, someone will be there to meet him.

Insufficient fare

On the W this evening, a bunch of cute girls got on behind me, one prettier than her friends. Decked out in brand new Uggs, a big Coach bag, the latest Burberry scarf, and a $100 manicure, she was in the process of regaling her friends with yet another tale of her latest bad date. His crime? He wasn't tall enough.

She sat next to me, and I saw the guy across from me check out the pretty one. He saw me looking and smiled briefly, embarrassed to be caught staring. He wasn't bad-looking himself, with a nice suit and a leather briefcase, complete with a schmancy new video iPod. The girls got off at 28th Street, and the guy was still looking at the pretty one, trying to work up the courage to say something to her. His eyes followed her out, and he watched her tell someone to get the fuck out of her way. The doors closed, his gaze still on the platform.

He looked back at me.

"I should have gotten her number, huh?"

I glanced up from my book and shook my head.

"No way. You dodged a bullet there. Girls like that? Will eat your dreams and destroy your soul."

Delta, we have a problem

This is how I spend Wednesday. :

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my extreme displeasure for the service I did (and did not receive) on February 14, 2007.

Due to the weather on February 14, I arrived at JFK at 8am, almost four hours early for Flight 1841 to LAX, set to leave at 11:46am. I called the status line several times between 7am and during my trip to the airport and was told repeatedly the flight was on time. The check-in area was a total zoo, with a line wrapped around the terminal. I was fortunate to have no baggage and after some searching, found the single terminal for self-check in (which did indeed give an option to check bags.) More of those terminals would have gone a long, long way to alleviate the crushing line.

Around 10:30am, the flight had its first plane/terminal change, from Terminal 2, to Terminal 28, in a completely different section of the airport. There was no announcement made, just a semi-periodical scroll on a message board.

After moving to Terminal 28, we were told the flight was now delayed to 12pm, which turned into 12:30, 1pm, 1:30pm, etc. Terminal 28 is located in a forgotten part of JFK, with no food available other than a tired sandwich cart. I’m sure Delta is very proud of having a Discovery Channel store in that area, but as it sat, empty, while the sandwich cooler was raided, perhaps that should have been rethought.

Around 1:30pm, it was determined our new plane had broken bathroom doors and would not be suitable to fly to LAX, necessitating another plane/gate change, this time down to gate 27. Again, there was no announcement made, just a scroll put up on a television screen. The passengers were left to find out for themselves.

In the midst of all this, a woman was permitted to walk her very large, barking, untrained, and uncrated dog around the terminal. It was made clear to everyone that she intended to bring the dog on board and let it roam free. Many people were concerned and did not wish to fly next to a large dog with no crate.

At 2pm, the pilot made an announcement about a mechanical problem with our new plane and we’d have to wait until it was fixed, at least 30 minutes. The only reason I heard it, is because I was standing right next to him at the time. The PA system was so bad; the announcement was inaudible and garbled. When people rushed to the podium for clarification, the pilot returned to the plane, leaving myself and several other passengers to spread the word.

They finally made a boarding announcement at 2:30. However, we were not permitted to board until all the dogs in cargo and the one in the gate area had been walked. I can’t even begin to describe how angry and upset many, many passengers, including myself, became after seeing that. It’s inexcusable that Delta is placing animals ahead of people on their priority list, especially in a situation like this. It’s awful and insulting and possibly one of the worst things that could have happened at that moment.

We finally boarded at 2:45 and that’s when this ill-fated trip went from the sublime to the ridiculous.

At 3:15pm, when we were supposed to be pushing back, the jetway broke, refusing to detach from the side of the plane. On the other side, a luggage cart had slid underneath the plane, unable to finish loading bags, and was now stuck in snow. Our plane was now actually physically prevented from moving.

At 4pm, neither problem had been fixed, but we were being repeatedly assured that as soon as they were, we’d taxi out to the runway, get de-iced and be on our way. We were also informed that every other airline had canceled their flights hours ago, a Jetblue plane was currently frozen to the runway and ever better, if we didn’t get going before 6pm, the flight attendants would go into illegal overtime and would not be permitted to fly.

At 5:30, with both the jetway and luggage cart situations finally fixed, we tried to push back from the gate. We could not, as both the plane and tug was now also stuck in the snow and unable to move. At this point, passengers were pleading to be let off the plane and for Delta to follow the other airlines and cancel the flight. We were told that should we get off the plane, we’d forfeit our seat and no flights were available until at least Saturday. Additionally, should the plane take off, all the luggage was going to LA no matter what, and wouldn’t be returned for at least two business days (as this was Wednesday, the bags would be gone for over five days when returned.) The airline also refused to deliver the missing bags to homes, forcing people to return to JFK to retrieve them.

By 6:10pm, we attempted to push back from the gate once more. We jerked to a stop, because in the time it took for us to start moving, a Lufthansa plane had jumped the de-icing line, and was now in out spot, on the runway, with no de-icing trucks available. We couldn’t move until that plane had been towed away and the trucks located.

Which didn’t matter because at 6:20, our flight crew went illegal and were no longer permitted to fly.

Another crew was located, but they were also stuck on a plane on the runway, with no gate to taxi to. In order to get to us, the plane was to be towed to a parking lot, and the crew bused in. At this point, the pilots chose to inform us they had 90 more minutes before they too went illegal, and Delta still refused to cancel the flight. We were completely out of options and hope of getting out tonight if we didn’t get underway by 8pm, as there were no more flights beyond ours for the night. We were essentially being held hostage by Delta’s whims and refusal to end this nightmare at 2pm when it was clear this flight had way too many problems to continue. There’s absolutely no excuse for playing with people lives like this.

At 6:30pm, the jetway was brought back down to the plane, and the captain told everyone to get off. However, the gate agents and tower disagreed, and wouldn’t permit us to get off. Until a decision could be made, we were to sit on the plane, with the door open, and the weather frigid. We were told that should ANYONE got off the plane, it would become unsecured, and we’d all have to get off, be re-screened and re-boarded.

Perhaps the worst, most insulting part of the evening came next. Although we were banned from leaving the plane, Delta permitted the woman with the dog to go out on the jetway to walk the dog. Despite protestations from the entire plane, the flight and gate crew decided once again, the dog’s comfort was more important than any human on board. A woman with a toddler pleaded to get off the plane to get baby food and she was refused. There are no words to describe how horrible this situation had now become and this was the ultimate insult.

It was finally determined that it would be best to let everyone off the plane to get something to eat and use the bathrooms while they figured out this complete catastrophe.
Ordered not to leave the terminal, we sat there and watched the pilots collect their bags and coats and leave the plane. Delta still refused to cancel the flight.

Finally, at 7:30, they admitted defeat, and with no flight crew or pilots, ended the nightmare and canceled the flight. Over 150 people waited on line to try and get home and were being informed that not only were their no flights until at least Friday, Delta wouldn’t be providing hotel rooms or transportation or anything, not even a food voucher, for stranded passengers, blaming the entire situation on weather, completely ignoring the multitude of mechanical and customer service failures. I was forced, once again, to wait on line behind a dog, to get my tickets canceled and refunded.

Being delayed due to weather is one thing, but the snow stopped at 12:30pm. Delta had every opportunity to cancel the flight and instead, chose to hold over 150 people in limbo. There was no attempt to plow the runways or make alternate plans or help passengers in any way. Between allowing dogs more comfort than people, and refusing to do anything to help the situation, Delta has sent a clear message to their customers that they simple do not matter, no matter what the situation. Had the flight been canceled earlier in the day, it’s entirely possible that at least half of Flight 1841’s passengers would have been rebooked for same-day travel, either on other airlines or from LaGuardia or Newark. There were many children on board who are now missing school and sleeping in hotels (or worse, the Delta terminal), because the airline was stubborn. This goes so far beyond wanting to get people to their destination and is now firmly in the corner of refusing to do the right thing.

Due to Delta’s complete disregard for their passengers, I’ve had to forfeit a job in LA. Is Delta going to compensate me for that? Are they going to apologize for placing an animal’s priorities over paying customers? People need to know that Delta is only concerned with their bottom line, to the complete and total detriment of their customers (and inflight crew that was also forced to suffer.)

I am sending this email on Thursday February 15, 2007, as well as sending it via registered mail on Friday, February 16, 2007 to Delta CEO Gerald Grinstein. Delta has five business days from the receipt of this letter to contact me with both a formal, written (not emailed) apology and some sort of compensation for this entire, avoidable mess.

I await your response in this matter.

Me

A Delta-Don't

Delta no longer lets you fly standby. I learned this today when trying to change from a 4pm flight to the redeye from LA. Not only would I have to pay 50 bucks, double the charge from the usual $25 but then an additional THOUSAND DOLLARS for the honor of spending my snoozing hours in an 18-inch seat contained within a metal tube, hurtling through space and time.

The Delta Lady also called me "sir" several times. When I finally pointed out she was, you know, wrong, in the time it took her to get mad and defensive, she was only too happy to inform me the price of the ticket was now eleven hundred dollars, thus bringing the final cost of the trip up to almost $1600, nearly 4 times what I originally paid. More than the current going rate for first class. And if I "miss" my 4pm flight and even try to go standby/cry my way onboard the redeye (which has maaaaany seats open, btw), they'll force me to buy a new ticket which "will be a big problem for you MA'AM, as you're not willing to pay for it, and will be at least TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS BY THEN so I don't know HOW you think you'll be getting home."

So, yeah. No standby. I hate you Delta.

(epilogue: I got the meeting changed to the morning so it's all a moot point. After all that, it's definitely a double-Nexium kind of day. Gah.)

Woof

I'm not an animal person in the least. I will pet your dog if it's not taller than me, and sitcomgirl's piles of yarn are about as much cat as I can take.

But, if you can watch the Puppy Bowl and not smile just the tiniest bit, you have a heart made of the cheapest, coldest, hardest, dollar storiest-chocolate ever.

UO(we)M(e)

Confidential to Mr. eHarmony:

Where's my 10 bucks, fool?

That was NOT easy

The letter I've just sent to Staples customer service:

To Whom it May Concern:

I'm writing to express my extreme displeasure at the service I received at your [hometown] location this afternoon. I'd been in earlier to purchase a new monitor for my mother's office computer, and subsequently had to return it, based on it's incompatibility with her CPU.

After leaving the monitor at customer service, I selected a new one that would work with her system. She went to find a salesperson and when she returned with him (Al), he asked her if I was an engineer. She said no, and he informed her that he was and that HE knew what monitor she needed and I clearly had no idea.

From here, things went downhill. I told him the model I wanted and he put his hand up and told me we'd have to discuss this first before he'd get me the monitor. From the on, he proceeded to interrogate me on the make, model, technical stats, programs, and a variety of other things completely irrelevant to the purchase. I told him several times I wasn't interested in talking about it, I just wanted to buy a monitor, and he cut me off, put himself physically between myself and the display and said he wouldn't get me what I wanted until I let HIM decide the right piece of equipment. He flat-out refused to give me what I wanted to purchase, saying he'd make that decision for me, as I didn't know what I was talking about.

At this point, I decided I was no longer comfortable dealing with Al, and thanked him for his time, but I'd be taking my exchange to another location. He followed me out of the department, and told check my manual for the information and then said "Oh wait, nevermind. You people always throw them away. Nevermind." I have witnesses to this statement. I told him I didn't appreciate his rude, condescending, insulting attitude and to leave me alone.

At the register, seeing my displeasure, two salespeople asked what the problem was. I told them what had happened, and they offered to get a manager for me, telling me Al was just a salesperson (he told us he was a manager.) I declined, wanting to now return the monitor (rather than exchange, my original plan.) As the return was being processed, Al approached the register, demanding to make sure my box had all the parts and maybe he should check it, since I didn't know what I was looking for. I told him once again to go away and leave me alone. My return was processed and I left the store.

Never have I been treated so poorly at a store. I find it shocking and disappointing that Staples has employees that not only assume all their customers are idiots, but that this is a fair and nice way to do business. Al was rude, inappropriate, patronizing and obviously has a problem with no only women, but women that are knowledgeable about computers. I can't even believe I had to argue with a salesperson (one impersonating a manager, no less), about wanting to make a purchase.

I purchased a new monitor at Best Buy five minutes down the same road. Until Staples can demonstrate they train their employees to assist their customers and not treat them like children, I'll be getting my office supplies at Office Depot.

Regards:
Me

Foot Long

R: We had a T hero today I think. Like your subway one there.

L: Oh?

R: If I fell on tracks, I'd want someone to save me.

L: Oh yeah. Wait.

...

L: See for a second, I really thought you meant a sandwich. And I was all, yum subs.